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| >> | i like you: hospitality under the influence | |||
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"What
you have to understand about this lovely woman is, in addition to
being a fine actress and a wonderful comedienne, she's peculiar....
You have to keep that in mind because she's like -- and joyfully,
gladfully -- different from everybody else walking around on the
planet. That's what makes her special. That's why we embrace her.
But, you know. She's not hooked up right." She
had a fatty suit made just to wear home to Raleigh for a brief
visit to screw with her weight-conscious father. It tore him
up to think that his daughter had "let herself go" but Amy did
it for the laughs. She
had a long-time imaginary boyfriend named Ricky... Who worked
as a grip in Argentina, brought her back saffron, lost all of
his tools in a camper fire and suffered a stroke. She and Ricky
had a baby, Hercules, the around same time that David Letterman's
son was born. Amy said they had been "trying for hours." She briefly had a know-it-all imaginary dog named Douglas, but he went away when she ran out of random facts for him to know. She also had an imaginary monkey named Pockets. Everything in Amy's apartment comes alive at night. Even her dustpan, which is known to be a real pain the ass. In Fall 2003, she started an amateur craft club called The Crafty Beavers. She's the club president and they meet on a weekly basis. Felt is their medium of choice, and it's largely an excuse to smoke pot. She wanted to write a children's book about a worm going on a journey to find out what kind of worm he is. In the end, he finds out he's a tequila worm and it's about reaching for the lowest star. The [lame] folks at Hyperion didn't buy it. When Amy was young, she had a club called the Funny Face Club (she was the only member), and she would go door-to-door after Halloween and offer to take away her neighbors' pumpkins for 25 cents. She'd take the quarter, then just go throw the pumpkins in the street. She once ate a whole pot brownie "because I was hungry," then had to have her doorman talk her down from a really bad high for an hour and a half. When she was little, she once got caught stealing a fistful of twenties from a grocery store cash register. When confronted, she said that she wasn't stealing. She was just pretending to steal. She was pretending to be a thief, and that's what thieves do--they steal. Once when she couldn't sleep, Amy went online and ordered Ambien from a lab in Florida. It came the next day, and when she took it without any regard to the directions, it completely messed her up. When she woke up the next day, her computer was "mysteriously" broken. She once made a Visine-laced cocktail because she heard it would cause instant diarrhea, and she wanted to see for herself if that was true. It was. She makes seasonal hats for her taxidermied squirrel, Winks, such as a pilgrim's buckle hat for Thanksgiving, and Indian headdress for an Indian summer. Amy and her brother David once took out Paul Dinello's car. She ran it into a parked car (hopefully by accident, I'd assume) and when Paul returned home, she and David were laughing about it. She listens to music like soul and R&B, but calls it "Negro music." When Paper magazine named her one of New York's most beautiful women, she showed up to the photo show looking unkempt, with unwashed hair, and had a make-up artist make her look battered and beaten. She wants to make a sitcom out of 'Night Mother, where the daughter tries to kill herself a different way in every episode. Things that make Amy laugh: People falling down, monkeys, seeing mushrooms or toadstools, men in fur, skin disorders, people crying while driving. What Amy hates: Bamboo, mylar balloons, polyester dinner napkins, hot sauce, homemade soaps, high-fiving, gourds, futons and constipation. She would love to have a hospitality show, where each week she'd have to overcome an obstacle--like having really long legs and not being able to get off the couch--but still having to put dinner on the table. She loves to read cookbooks in bed. She collects fake food (plaster meat and vegetables), but won't buy it online because she consider that "cheating." When she was little, Amy would dress up, wear a wig and go to the grocery store with her father in character every week. When she was about 12, she'd dress up, call her father at work and proposition him, pretending to be a woman from the art gallery that her family frequented. The charades went on for a while, and her dad always fell for it. She wanted to name the family vacation home "The Nut Hut," and persisted on calling it that, even after they didn't buy the home. When she adopted her first rabbit, Tattletail, Amy told her that she needed to get a job to earn her share... and she meant it. She created a catering company, selling cupcakes and cheeseballs, called Tattletail Industries. The money went into a jar to pay for the rabbit's care. After Tattletail passed away, Amy adopted another rabbit, a mini-rex which she named Dusty, and changed the name of her catering business to Dusty Food Cupcakes. She does anti-fur ads for PETA, but decorates her home with taxidermy. She stores fake eyelashes in Tupperware pill containers. At an Obie awards reception, when Ethan Hawke told Amy that she had the prettiest dress at the party, she told him, "It looks better on the floor. You could talk me out of it." He was apparently taken quite by surprise. She had a necklace made out of wig hair samples. Hideous samples of hair that hang down about 5 inches. She says she wants to go to a Korean restaurant wearing the necklace, then complain that there's hair in her food. For her birthday in 2004, Amy asked Todd Oldham to make her 5 BLT sandwiches out of expensive felt. Or if he couldn't do that, ten halves. |
