Dave: Welcome to the show!

Amy: It’s so nice to see you. I brought you some chocolate.

Dave: Oh, thank you very much. I’ll get this later if you don’t mind.

Amy: Oh, no, eat it now. Haha, that's fine. Wow, I can’t believe it--

Dave: That’s a lovely little dress you have there.

Amy: Looks better on the floor, Dave! Thank you! This lady, um, this lady made it for me--yeah, cuckoo!--Yeah, thank you.

Dave: Yeah, you know what, your brother has been on the show. He’s been on several times and one time I asked him about a story, an essay that was published in one of his books about you and him and your father, and you returning home for the weekend or something and as a joke, you put on a fat suit from like the waist down. And then your father, who’s worried about you anyway, thinks you’re gaining weight and you’re driving him nuts.

Amy: You said it so perfect!

Dave: Can you tell your version of that?

Amy: First, I’ve never read my brother’s books... Ha... Anyway, um, I was working on this TV show and I was like, what can I buy? So I decided to buy a fatty suit from the waist down cuz I couldn’t afford the top. So, um, it took like, I had 5 fittings and everything. So I wore it on the airplane, and a pair of sweatpants--which I never wear--but anyway, so I get to North Carolina and my dad sees me and he just can’t believe it. He’s like, “Your ass is this big!!... The problem with you is you’re bored! Ah, boloney!” And so, David kept egging him on and everything and I would like bend over, you know, like getting in the cabinets. It’s so obvious. And I’d be like, “Dad, all I’ve had today is 2 sweet rolls at the airport. Where’s the olive oil?” and David’s like, um, I was doing this show and at the time, it got cancelled--so David said, “Comedy Central said if she lost 30 pounds, they’d put her show back on the air.”... Going crazy.

Dave: (holds up picture of Amy wearing a fatty suit, bending over in a refrigerator) Now, is this actually you, or tis that a facsimilie?

Amy: That’s me. I did a photo shoot. This region here (points to butt), isn’t that good? It’s great having a fatty suit, it really is. And it was cold and it was like, you know, it was winte time and it was nice and warm--

Dave: And you drove your dad nuts.

Amy: Drove him nuts! (Imitates father again) “This big!!”

Dave: Now, you’re working with Sarah Jessica Parker? Is that the deal?

Amy: Yeah! I get to do a play with her called “Wonder of the World.” And I haven’t read the play yet. I’m just doing it cuz she’s doing it. And uh, so, we’ve been calling each other because of the excitement and she’s aleady got me 4 tickets to The Producers, which is one reason I’m doing the play... (Audience claps) It’s true. Four tickets, second row! And I’m gonna try to drive a wedge between her and her husband, Matthew, which I feel pretty confident about.

Dave: Haha, you’re feelin’ really good about it.

Amy: I feel really good about it, Dave. And what else.. Oh, I want her to teach me to dress underneath things, you know?

Dave: No.

Amy: Ok, you know how you’re supposed to dress, like the right kind of underpants and bra. She seems like she’d be good for that. That’s why I’m doing the play.

Dave: Excellent.

Amy: I swear, it’s true.

Dave: Do you spend a lot of time in California? Do you go out there and do stuff?

Amy: (takes a drink) Mmm, Captain Morgan’s?... Haha, I’m so trashy. Well, I just did “Just Shoot Me,” TV show, I did two episodes. And it had 4 cameras and it was so much fun. I saw Wendie Malick naked. Great body. And uh--

Dave: How did that happen?

Amy: That I saw her naked? We were at the same wardrobe fitting and shes’ really tall and skinny. And anyway, she’s great. Everyone on the show’s really great. And George Segal called me Saturday night. I’d told him I was a really big fan of somebody he’d worked with, and he said, “I’m gonna give you a little bit of gossip.” And he said, “But I don’t want it to get back to me. You can’t tell anybody.” Isn’t that--David’s out of the country, so I think I can say--but isn’t that so nice that he would call and do that? It’s about Barbra Streisand and, um, the pussycat--but I can’t tell you anything else. But it was so good and such a cool thing for him to do... Let’s just say... No, ha, ‘Celestia! Celestia!’

Dave: Oh, haha, one of those deals. So, your other production, “Strangers With Candy”--

Amy: Cancelled also. (Yells) “Whatever! Not a good show!” Just kidding.

Dave: Tell folks what it was.

Amy:Oh... It’s been so long ago... Um, I played this lady who was in her late 40’s/early 50’s, who was a prostitute, drug addict and she decides to go back to high school to start her life all over again. And it was like an after-school special but she was just a little bit older. She had to deal with teenage situations. It was a lot of fun and I wore this fatty suit and because of that, they made me four other ones, so now I have five fatty suits!... And I live alone.

Dave: Would you like to have another television show? Have you enjoyed the experience?

Amy: Yes, I like doing TV. I have an idea for Bravo. I can’t tell you the name of it cuz it’s dirty but, um, I’m doing a lot of work on my apartment right now and I’ve been having celebrities--you know, like Todd Oldham did my floors for me--we’re just friends and they come over and do things for me. And so I thought that would be a nice way, like an interview type thing.

Dave: Every week you have a chore and you have a celebrity in and the celebrity--

Amy: Yeah. Like maybe Buddy Hackett could do some shelving. You know. Isn’t that a good idea?

Dave: And you interview him as he’s putting up the shelf.

Amy: Yeah! Isn’t that fun?

Dave: Yeah. Now, are you married, are you single, are you dating, do you have a--

Amy: What are you asking, David? No, um, I have a rabbit.

Dave: Oh, you have a rabbit.

Amy: Yeah, I have a rabbit... Celestia!... I have a rabbit and actually I spoil her and I’m always thinking about her--her name’s TattleTail--and I’m obsessed with her and this rabbits specialist came to by house and I realized I was doing everything wrong. First of all, she’s like, “Oh my God, it’s so hot!” She’s like, “Rabbits love it to be air conditioned.” And then she was saying that my rabbit needed to lose two and a half pounds. Everything I was feeding it--not meat, but equivalent to meat--was wrong, wrong, wrong. And then I just felt like an unfit mother. You know, like, and I just felt like, she’s gonna take my rabbit away from me! And you know, I was freaking out and there are cockroaches everywhere and I have mice in my apartment--just right now, I’m fixing it up. But I kept making excuses like, “Oh, haha, those dishes were from earlier this morning and I was gonna clean them up anyway.” Or that fake kind of “Haha, it’s hot in here because, you know, the paint.” It was just a nightmare.

Dave: Yeah, now let me ask you about the rabbit itself. Do you like the rabbit as a pet?

Amy: I love her too much. Yeah.

Dave: Really? And all you life have you had rabbits as pets?

Amy: No, I’ve just always wanted one. So I got one six years ago.

Dave: How long do rabbits live?

Amy: You mean, when’s she gonna die?

Dave: Well, you know--

Amy: They live between seven and nine years and sometimes they grow up to be teenagers but she said that my rabbit was actually really laid back. And had survived just on love alone.

Dave: It seems to me, now I don’t know, I haven’t spent time with them but it seems to me they’re just like less interesting kitties.

Amy: Oh no, no, no. Less interesting kitties. You’re a dog owner.

Dave: I mean, they just, they don’t do anything.

Amy: I know... They do, though. They’re very affectionate, she’s trained, she sleeps with me in bed. They only problem with rabbits is that they can’t tell you when they’re in any pain... So you know... So um, they’re really fun, they’re playful... Yeah, they’re less interesting kitties. What do you want.

Dave: Do they stink?

Amy: No, they’re very clean.

Dave: I think they do stink.

Amy: They don’t. (Sniffs her arm) Do they?

Dave: Well, thank you very much for the chocolate. It’s a pleasure to meet you. So, Wonder of the World, you’ll be doing that for a while. I hope that’s a big success.

Amy: Yes, me too.

Dave: And if you can, as the play progresses, please come back and see us again. Nice to meet you.

Amy: Thank you. Nice to meet you, too.

Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Sedaris, everybody.

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