Amy: Hi! How are you?

Dave: Hi!

Amy: How are you?

Dave: I’m fine. You look very nice.

Amy: Really? Thank you.

Dave: How are things? How’s your life?

Amy: Hope you like short stories! Um, I’m getting ready to turn 41 Friday.

Dave: That’s great. You don’t look it. You look 21.

Amy: Oh, come on. I used to think that when I turned 40, my neck would look like this--but it’s not yet.

Dave: Oh, like Joan Rivers.

Amy: Yeah, like Joan Rivers!

Dave: You look fantastic. Now, I don’t know what it’s like for women but are there any psychological hurdles for 40, 41, anything like that?

Amy: Well, I never thought about age, never, never, but David told me that when he turned 40--

Dave: He’s your brother?

Amy: My older brother. He stopped eating dip and stopped wearing blue jeans.

Dave: I see.

Amy: So, I’m gonna cut back on hushpuppies and I’m working on my apartment right now and I’m gonna get those railings with ---- you know, railings you can put in your, um--it’s true!--I’m gonna have them put in my shower so I don’t slip. I’m gonna get a single size bed--no one’s gonna see it anyway--with a remote. I love those! And I’m painting my apartment right now. My kitchen’s pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it’s eye level--it’s true!--and my phone, so I can reach it when I fall, it’s right there. And I got some Bone Up, you know, like Lauren Hutton on Lifetime is always advertising it. You know, it’s like your bones get brittle when you turn a certain age, so I got that. And pre-threaded needles. It’s true!

Dave: Because it’s hard to see--

Amy: I can’t! Isn’t that great? So I’m ready! I’m ready! ... And I’m trying to have a baby.

Dave: And you still have the animals at the house?

Amy: Tattletail!

Dave: Tattletail is a squirrel?

Amy: No, she’s a rabbit.

Dave: A rabbit, that’s right.

Amy: And I’m gonna get her wall-to-wall carpet for Greek Easter. I’m gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color--it’s an old lady color. And Tattletail’s doing really well, but we have a really bad mouse problem still. So we’re dealing with that. And I collect some taxidermy, and I have like a little crab, his name is Clausen, um, the mice ate it.

Dave: A stuffed and mounted crab?

Amy: Yeah. Just a little--his name was Clausen, out of my fake fireplace, gone.

Dave: Really.

Amy: And I had a little duck. I named him Bill Downs--perfect name, very right, Bill Downs.

Dave: Right, because you have the bill and--

Amy: I was so proud to come up with that. And then the mice ate Bill’s eyes out.

Dave: Ew.

Amy: I know. So I woke up thinking, OK, that’s fine, that’s more me. And then the next day his whole head was gone.

Dave: Oh my God!

Amy: Yeah, so we’re dealing with that. And I got those things you put in outlets. You know, it makes pitch noise.

Dave: To scare the mice away.

Amy: It doesn’t. It’s like top 40 Mexican music. They love it. It’s true. I see them run over it. It’s driving me crazy! It’s awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby mice running all over my apartment.

Dave: That’s too bad. I hope you get that straightened out.

Amy: Do you?

Dave: Yeah... I really do!

Amy: I went out with this guy once. He was dating--I mean, he was sleeping with me, but he was also sleeping with this other girl.

Dave: My goodness!

Amy: I know, what is it with gay guys? Anyway, she would drink water like this, like her wrist was really weak all the time, and I was really jealous of her because she was sleeping with my boyfriend. So then I went out with her and she was bragging that she was the valedictorian of her school and that she was a French major, and then she ordered the prime rib and she ordered it with the “au jus” (sounds like “just”) sauce, and I wasn’t jealous anymore. I just thought of that.

(Dave laughs)

Amy: Haha! Really? Uh huh. Wilkesboro, North Carolina? But anyway, I’m over it. I’m 41. I don’t get jealous about that kind of stuff anymore.

Dave: Now, I want to hear all about--you were doing a play with Sarah Jessica Parker. How did that go?

Amy: It went well, thank you.

Dave: Did you enjoy it?

Amy: Yeah. I’m kind of glad it’s over. It’s a tough schedule. But we’re still best friends, and we had these identical necklaces made that say “Best Friends,” you see?

Dave: Yeah. You and Sarah Jessica Parker actually sort of bonded through the production?

Amy: Yeah. Very much so! Today’s her birthday! 52! And she gave me these shoes!

Dave: Those are wonderful.

Amy: Aren’t they pretty? She gave me these for Valentine’s Day and I gave her some hand-me-down shirts that were way too big for me. But um, yeah, she’s doing great! Did you see her on Barbara Walters last night?

Dave: No, I didn’t get a chance to see that.

Amy: She did a really good job. And Barbara Walters, how about that commercial, with the veil over her--Now, that’d be a good sitcom right there.

Dave: Now, um, what kind of things would you and Sarah Jessica do in your free time? Do you go to dinner and shopping, stuff like that?

Amy: Sure. She took me shopping once, we went to that store Louis Vuitton, they dressed us for something. I’d never been to a fancy shop like that. And I was in my bra and underpants--which I wear now that I’m 40--and we were changing, and she was like, “Amy, what are you doing?!” I was just standing there in just that--I thought it was part of the dressing room, but it was the store.... Hee haw! Stupid, I know.

Dave: You just stipped down right there in the showroom.

Amy: Yeah.

Dave: Wow. And what about her husband?

Amy: He just turned 40. She had a big surprise party for him and there was a lot of, you know, people who would sing musicals were there and they were singing to Matthew. I love that. I wish I could sing like that. Before I die I want to be able to do that. Maybe, Paul, if I ever come back, we can work up a song.

Paul: Anytime, anytime.

Amy: Like (sings) “Honey, can you hear me?” something like that.

(Pauls plays what Amy sings)

Amy: I don’t know it. Is that it?

Paul: That was a good start, though.

Amy: But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress. They dress like nudists dress. You know, it doesn’t matter if the pants are striped and the shirt’s polka dot. You know, I love that. It’s comfort and there’s so much feeling in their faces. It’s embarrassing, those moments.

Dave: Well, you can try one of those next time and it’ll be great.

Amy: OK.

Dave: Ok, and uh, anything else?

Amy: Oh--

Dave: We’re running out of time.

Amy: Oh, we are? It always goes by so fast.

Dave: Yeah, you’re very entertaining.

Amy: (cracks up) Oh, I don’t know. Are you doing OK, though? Everything all right?

Dave: I’m fine.

Amy: Um, I brought you some pretzels. They’re in your dressing room.

Dave: I saw the pretzels. Everybody’s been eating them. Thank you very much.

Amy: You always send me a thank you letter. That’s really nice.

Dave: Ok good. I’ll send you another one.

Amy: That’s why I bring ‘em!

Dave: It was nice to see you. Amy Sedaris, everybody!

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