Conan: Please welcome Amy Sedaris!

Conan: How are you, Amy?

Amy: I’m all right.

Conan: Yeah?

Amy: I look like Joan van Ark, look! See what I mean? Isn’t it amazing? Isn’t make-up amazing?

Conan: No one does a Joan van Ark impression anymore.

Amy: I know, I’m really--

Conan: You know, you are so able--you’re so funny. I never see you like this. I love “Strangers With Candy” so I always see you with all the make-up.

Amy: I’ve got on more make-up now!

Conan: I first saw you do your Piglet character, which is one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever seen anyone do. Can we just see you do a little bit of Piglet?

Amy: Oh! I’m not prepared. Hold on a second..

Conan: Now, tell us, who is this Piglet first of all?

Amy: It’s this character that David and I--uh, my brother and I, we write plays together--and she’s in every single play because she’s too dirty, you know, anywhere else, on TV.

Conan: So we’ll be bleeping you tonight?

Amy (taping up her nose): Yeah.. Here’s what you do, Dick [Clark], is.. Wait a second, I’m sweating, hold on.. Is this yours? (Amy wipes her face with the napkin under Dick Clark’s coffee mug)... Joan van Ark! Now, what you have to do, on Rockin’ New Year’s Eve is, take some tape and create that... hold on...

Conan: Want me to hold that up for you?

Amy: Shoot, it’s that Greek skin I have.

Conan: Ok, don’t worry about a thing. I’ve got to see this.

(Amy finally gets her nose taped up)

Amy (as Piglet): Appreciate this, mother----! You can take your stinkin’ sack of hard luck bull---- and stick it up your bitch’s blisterin’ ---- ----hole!

Conan: Oh man!

Amy: Sweet sixteen! Never been touched!

Dick: TV aint’ like it used to be!

Conan: No, it isn’t, Dick! Things have changed, old friend!

Amy: You look so good and healthy, doesn’t he? You look good.

Conan: Oh, thank you. Now, um, we had your brother on the show. And he wrote this book, “Me Talk Pretty One Day”--

Amy: I haven’t read it yet... No, I’m just kidding.

Conan: It’s a really funny collection of stories about you and your family growing up. He has one story in the book that talks about what a good impressionist you were, even as a little girl you used to play pranks on your parents. Because you could do such good impressions over the phone.

Amy: Mmm hmm.

Conan: Tell us one.

Amy: Well, there’s this lady, her real name’s Betty Webber but I shouldn’t tell you her real name, and, uh, she worked at this art gallery--

Conan: Too late now, Betty Webber!

Amy: And she talked like this--”Hi, Lou.”--So I’d call my dad up at work--he worked for IBM at the time--and I would call him up and act like I want to go out with him.. “Hi, Lou, it’s Betty. I find you irresistable!”...”Hi, Betty!” You know...

Conan: And your dad was fooled! He really thought this woman was coming on to him.

Amy: Yes. And I’d keep it going. I’d call him up and say, “I was just wondering if you could meet me, you know, at the gallery tonight.” “Well, Betty..” And, you know, he’d just be very nice, you know, he’d never volunteer to meet with her.

Conan: That was nice, so--

Amy: But it would’ve been fun if he had. (screams) “ Mom!! Mom!!” But I could do it now and he’d still fall for it, even though he’s read the book and everything!

Conan: That’s amazing! That’s amazing to think if he’d said, “Yeah.” It’s like, Oooooh. (shudders)

Amy: I know! Then what? Right?

Conan: Yeah... Then you’re stuck. Um--

Amy: (to Dick Clark) Rockin’ New Year’s Eve!!

Conan (to Dick): Can’t she be on Rockin’ New Year’s Eve doing Piglet?

Dick: Oooh....

Conan (imitating Piglet): We got KC & The Sunshine Band comin’ up!

(Amy does another Piglet imitation and gives “the finger”)

Conan: We can bleep you. THAT we have trouble with.

Amy: Oh, right.

Conan: You’re a pistol, you are!... I didn’t know that you have another brother as well. I didn’t realize that. I was reading this book and it turns out you have another brother.

Amy: My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and he’s really good. He’s like (imitates Paul using a redneck tone), “I made like $18,000 today” and he’s loaded. But yeah, he’s the kind of guy who, when he comes to visit, like if he’s smoking pot or whatever, he’ll mail pot to himself, from himself. “That way they know where to find me if they find it! You gotta admit, it’s a pretty frickin’ good idea!”

Conan: That’s the worst scheme I’ve ever heard!

Amy: “I know what I’ll do! To me, from me.” Yeah, he’s a great guy.

Conan: So, Amy, how was your Christmas? Did you have a nice, normal Christmas?

Amy: I did. I stayed in New York City for the first time, I’d always wanted to do that. So I’m sitting at home on my couch with my friend Jennifer--(to Dick) you don’t know her--and I’m like, Ughhhhhhhh--My mother, she’s not alive, and my imaginary boyfriend has a girlfriend that’s not me, so I’m a little depressed. So I’m thinking I would do anything for a Vicodin right now, which is a pain killer which is great to take if you don’t have any pain. So I’m like, where am I going to find Vicodin? It’s Christmas eve, there’s got to be somebody. I literally walk out of my apartment door and there’s a beautiful mulatto woman on crutches. And I swear to God, I’m like PING PING! and I go, “I’m so sorry” about the crutches and all.

Conan: What?!

Amy: Cuz I know the pain--the crutches.

Conan: Oh, you know that she’s in pain, so she must have some--

Amy: And she did! And so I’m like, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry! Did the doctor give you anything?” And she’s like, “Something called Viiiiiiii-codin” and she’s like, yes, so I’m in her apartment and she’s giving me like eight Vicodin, you know. And she’s on something, so she forgets she gives it to me, and she’s like, “Did I already give you the Vi--” The Girl Scout in me said yes. Anyway, that’s a miracle! It’s a miracle!

Conan: That’s a Christmas miracle!

Amy: It is!

Conan: That’s the nicest Christmas story I’ve ever heard.

Amy: Yeah, yeah... Highly recommend it.

Conan: All right, one of the funniest people I know, Amy Sedaris, thank you so much. It’s so cool to have you here.

Amy: Thank you.

Conan: We’ll be right back. We’ll take a break.

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